Love is. . .

Boy, was I dumb. I thought I was in love because I wanted more than anything to make you happy, now I realize that love isn't trying to please someone. Love is being with someone who is perfectly happy just sleeping next to you. Love is kissing some one and then giggling because one of your phones went off. Love is not answering that phone. Love is when you start telling a story and they finish it because they know all about you. Love is listening to music and saying "I love this song" at the exact same second. Love is baby talking to each other's pets. Love is creamy beige. Love is laughing at things that aren't funny because everything is funny. Love is not telling anyone else about the uncool songs that you listen to. Love is smiling when you get a text because their picture is your phone background. Love is something I thought I couldn't have when you left. Love is something I couldn't have UNTIL you left. Love is. . . more than I imagined.

Poor Little Lost Girl

Poor little lost girl. The brightness is gone. No more green and gold, they've been replaced by greys and blues. She's been abandoned, cut off from her final connection to the world outside. She has no one to tie her to the earth. And so she floats among the rain clouds and looks down at all the people holding hands and being human, and she cries, and the clouds cry with her. She cries and the heavens pour out over the people who run and jump and dance at their luck and prosperity. They'll never knowwhat was sacrificed from them to bring such good fortune. Poor little lost girl drifting alone through the air, she knows that if she could just touch down she would be connected again, she could feel her heartbeat again and everything would be fine. But she can't reach the ground and no one is paying enough attention to know that she needs to be plucked from the sky. There is no one willing to climb up and pull her down from between the burning stars. Poor little lost girl.

eventually

What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of the razor dragging against my skin. Some day you're going to get a letter from me covered in blood. It'll be the last thing you hear from me. It'll be an invitation to my funeral.

War Stories

How can it be that I can feel every beat of my heart resonating through me like church bells and still feel like there's an empty hole where my heart should be? I'm hollow except for the pain, the phantom pain like that of an amputee clutching a shattered limb and stretching fingers that will only ever again touch in his mind. The heart that you took with you when you left me still pumps and stings but won't feel anything real ever again. And I'm proud. Proud of how I lost my heart to you in the heat of battle, the heat of passion. I'll tell war stories to the neighborhood kids sitting on my front porch and I'll show them the scars from where you cut out my heart. And then at night I'll open my window and look up at the moon, I'll look up at the same moon that you see and I'll smile because somewhere out there you have my heart on your shelf, a trophy of your first conquest. And though I've lost the war I revel in the fact that I was important enough for you to conquer, that I was enough of a challenge to be your first triumph. I can only hope that when you tell your war stories the story of your first win will be as glorious as the story of my final defeat.

What do I know? I know that you don't like vegetables or soup. You won't eat teddy grahms or peeps because they're too cute. I know that if I run my fingertips up your back you'll shudder. I know that you're more talented than anyone I've ever met and more talented than most of the bands I've heard. I know that you're the only person who can push the right buttons and make me melt into a puddle. I know that you're the only person who can make me feel like a princess and a whore at the same time. I know that your arms fit me perfectly. I know that when you used to hold my hand you held it like you never wanted to let go. I know that the only thing better than falling asleep in your arms is watching you fall asleep in mine. I know that the sweetest sound I've ever heard was you whispering in my ear. I know that no matter how you've treated me in the past all you have to do is look at me with those sweet green eyes and kiss my neck and I'll do anything you want me to. I know that the only time the world makes sense is when I'm with you. I know that I'd give up my life for you if it meant you'd never feel any pain or sadness for the rest of your life. I know that I'd leave my friends, family, school, my whole life if you wanted me to run away with you. I know that you're the only person that can break down my walls. I know that you think it's hilarious that your grandmother calls garbage 'rubbish'. I know that you love Led Zeppelin but hate when people wear Led Zeppelin shirts because most of them don't even know or care who they are. I know that even though I usually break first, you can't resist me. I know that I'd rather have a tumultuous confusing relationship with you than a happy safe relationship with anyone else. I know you hate your mom's dogs and you're convinced that your dog was stolen by your neighbor. I know that when you put your hands on my waist it sets every nerve in my body on fire. Most importantly I know that you're the only boy I've ever loved and I'll love you my entire life whether I get to spend it with you or not.

I figured it out. Why I love you so much and why I hate myself for it. I really am disgusted at how I let you treat me. Last time we broke up it cut me deep, I didn't get over you for a long time. I cried myself to sleep for well over 2 months. You ripped my heart out and left me empty. True, I moved along to other things, other people, but you were always there. You were hiding in the hole where my heart used to be. You put me through hell and then just when I was getting used to being without you, you decide that you want to see me again. You get close to me, you let me kiss you, you kiss me back and pretend that it means something to you. You let me start loving you again and for a while things are good, you tell me that the world makes sense now and things feel right. Damn, I just can't resist those beautiful lies, so I believe you and I let my guard down. Bad idea, just when I get brave enough to trust you with things I can't tell anyone else you run away. You can't be with someone so far away. I'm too damaged, you can't fix me so why waste anymore time on me. So you stop caring altogether. I accept that you won't be mine, I try to be just your friend but, everytime I talk to you you act like I'm keeping you from so much more important things. So I stop talking. I think of you and sit silent. And that's when it happens. . . inspiration. I write. And that's why I can love you and hate you at the same time. I hate you because of what you put me through, and I love you becuase what you put me through gives me the insight to create. You're my muse. Anything I've ever created that was worth being created was inspired by you. So, I'm going to keep loving, you'll never be able to stop that. And when I write my first play/novel/book of poetry I'll make sure to send you the very first copy, make sure you read the dedication, "To my beloved muse, thank you for shattering my heart and letting what was inside of me out"

I'm sorry. I know I can be hard to deal with, I just want to be loved. You were the only guy that's ever loved me and it's frustrating to know that all these girls are fawning over you and there's nothing I can do about it. What I want you to know is that no matter what, I want to be with you . We've gone through so much and we keep ending up together. When things like that happen it's hard to ignore. I know we've both been through shit we didn't deserve, some even from each other, but you're the only person that helps me forget about that stuff. I know this is all stupid girly mushy stuff but it's all true. I love you, you were my first kiss and I want you to be my last. There was a time not so long ago when I stopped believing in love but then you came back into my life. And who can deny something like that? At this point I'm hanging on to the belief that the 3rd time's a charm. There's no one else I want, no one I even want to think about. You're it for me and I can see that now, and I'm going to do everything in my power to keep you happy. I'm sorry I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately. I got lost in my emotions. Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for coming back to me, thank you for caring about me enough to worry (even though I don't want you to worry about me), and thank you for being the only guy who's ever made me feel like I matter. <3